I was feeling done in... couldn't win. :: My Life & Art Journal.

'Had he lived to-day he would still have had machines to fight, but he could at least have seen that a machine can be a good servant – if a bad master.' (Holbrook, 1947)

I've been thinking so much about this. About our reliance on machines. On how much 'screen time' we get everyday, every hour, every week... How I would like to live my life and how I do live it. I guess, doing an essay on William Morris and Socialism and how imporant it is to do 'useful work, not useless toil' (Morris in Holbrook, 1947) will do that to you.

It's been a tough month or so at college. Let's just say that Second Year is kicking my butt.And I lost all of my unpublished photos/videos from 2012 (and some from 2011) in a harddrive failure. Luckily I still have copies of the things I posted online- but there was a lot of blog content and college work that evaporated from exsistence. Just that like. 
Scary.

It's setbacks like this that make it really hard to keep my head above water (Like- it's about 10x harder already because I have to deal with a chronic illness). All of that hard work. Gone. Poof. My body is already giving up on me rather rapidly (too many deadlines), and my brain is really struggling to keep pace. I know healthy, young, happy students who are finding it too much- I really thought I was going to crack!

But, one thing this illness has taught me: I AM STRONG.

I may spend a few days in bed, I may not go to all of the exhibitions, I may have werid routines or have to take a bus instead of walking- but I know I can always do it. Whatever it is- I can do it. Pass A-levels? Sure. Do a 2 year course in 1 year? Alright. Deal with a broken heart/abandonment? Hell yeah. Be a vendor at Renegade? Obviously. Get a degree? LETS DO THIS! 

So this is kind of half a pep-talk and half an 'I'm really sorry about the blog being empty' post. I don't know about you, but hearing someone say 'it's going to be okay' or 'it will all work out' doesn't do anything for me (kind of makes me want to yell into a pillow, haha!)- SEEING someone prove that they can win when they are against a lot of stuff- makes me realise that if they can suck it up and do it, so can I. 

I know a lot of people are doing exams right now, I know it's 'finals week' and there are projects and essays to hand in. YOU CAN DO IT PEOPLE. It's probably going to be hard, but I believe in your strength. And hopefully, you can find something that makes it fun and if it's worth doing that shouldn't be too hard.

Love you.

p.s. Loosing all those photos and videos made me really really sad- but life carries on and new photos are waiting to be taken. Sorry for the delay. <3

BIBLIOGRAPHY: Holbrook, J. (1947) On Art & Socialism. Essays & Lectures by William Morris. London : Purnell and Sons Ltd.

Comments

[rachel!]

you're the best & a huge inspiration.

[Amy]

BE BRAVE! BE BRAVE LIKE MY MOTHER! ...okay so only half of that quote really works... haha. The greatest achievements are the one's that are hardest won. I love you.

ps. if all else fails, at least you have beautiful hair! <3

[Kiersten]

My boyfriend had ME for 5 years of his childhood. He got a year behind in everything and when he got to A levels he had to do the same thing you're talking about (2 year course in 1 year). But he got through it all, got into a great university, and is now going to do his masters here in America with me. I know if he can do it then you can too! He had to work a lot harder at everything but he always tells me he's so grateful for how he turned out because of it all. We're both rooting for you :)

[samantha]

have you ever heard of Alain De Botton? he done this fantastic philosophy series on channel 4 a few years back. he is so optimistic and has a really direct way of speaking that just seems to make things click! when i was unhappy i stumbled across them and they freshened up my perspective instantly. i recently read his book 'how proust can change your life', proust was bedridden for most of his life, he was very ill and in the book he gives these weird ways of rationalizing illness and persevering through it all. you're already very good at pulling through, evidently, but maybe these might inject a new way of thinking or just a small little idea into your day, http://www.channel4.com/programmes/philosophy-a-guide-to-happiness/episode-guide/series-1
, i really, really recommend them! especially the ones on self esteem and hardship! hope you feel chirpier soon.
samantha

[Gege]

You can do this. As much as it makes you feel like yelling into a pillow it is true, everything will be okay. Except, everything will be better than okay, it will be bloody fantastic.

You get out of life what you put in. And you are putting in so much. Eventually, you will reap the rewards. Sometimes the meantime sucks, is all.

[christiane]

thank you so much, this is exactly what i needed right now! you can do it, i can do it, we can do it, cheesy as it sounds it is true.
lots of love!

[Esther]

Oh Kim my heart aches for you!! I know how terrible it can be to lose all your pictures.. So hard. But I am glad you are looking on the bright side and realize how wonderful it is that you do have copies of them on the internet. Not all is lost and that is a very good thing.

And in regards to school. I feel your pain. It can be hard and frustrating and sometimes feels like it will never end. But you are a smart and wonderfully creative girl who I am pretty sure can handle the challenge!!!

So don't worry be happy.
and yes I know sometimes it is FAR easier said then done.

Hoping your day is wonderful!
xo
-esther

[Rachel]

eurgh, second year is the worst! I've heard that from so many people as well... It's probably because it feels like you are right in the thick of it! The sensation of trying to keep your head above water is so bang on. But what got me through is just simply thinking "everything will turn out ok in the end, because it just has to". And it does :) Good luck with it all, you can do it! x Rachel

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