art equals happy.

Haircut and an update. :: Life & Style.

Graduate life is interesting. Graduate life while being super sick is not so interesting. Simultaneously taking on more responsibilites (being no longer a student) and trying to reduce my stressful activities has been really difficult.
One thing that was getting in my way, and had to change, was my hair. I have really thick hair. It gets easily tangled and is very hard to manage. I just couldn't keep it up as it was taking ALL my energy just to wash it and half the time I had to get someone to help me brush it out. Yes, it was beautiful. Yes, there were lots of fun things I could do with it. But, only about 10% of the time was it even in a decent enough state to attempt anything other than a side braid (and I don't really have the energy to 'style' it anyway). And it was pretty much always in a big crazy bun during the summer. It was more of a pain than anything, and not something that I wanted to hinder my recovery.
So. It got the chop!
My hairs are happy and way more healthy. And it's super super easy to style. Thank goodness.For those that don't know- I'm taking a year off of school and work to focus on my health. The aim is to say 'good-bye' to CFS/M.E. It's a big goal, but I went straight into university after my A-levels, and pushed myself way too hard at the beginning. My body has not had a chance to recover since 2008 when I first got sick.

I've gritted my teeth and taken too many pain killers and made everything else my top priority. Now it's time to change that. With any luck I will feel rested, revived and maybe even get back to my happy weight. It's going to be a very long, tedious and slow process. I know this. I know I might not get better- but my body needs this. I need this.

It's been quiet around here, I know. I've been finding it harder to keep up with my photo editing and social media activities in general. This is probably down to how much I over did it with my final show project and exhibitions. They were really really awesome and I have no regrets, but it is kind of sad how much of my health I've had to sacrifice for college. Silly, really.

So, I will be posting here when I can (aiming for once or twice a week starting now!) and updating the shop as I go. There are a ton of fun things I want to share with you, including Tour De Fleece! But I think we'll both just need to be a little patient. 

I've got so much to give and so much I want to do. I feel like saying 'you haven't seen the last of me!' but that feels a little dramatic. Just because I can't keep up to the same speed doesn't mean anything has really changed. I'm still here. I'm still making. I'm still Kim. :]
See you very soon,
Kimxo
p.s. I'm still doing daily updates on my instagram!!! 

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I've got a lot of deadlines coming up next week, which I'm kind of freaking out about. I've been really ill the last few weeks. Like, never-leaving-the-house, stuck-in-bed, can't-concentrate, sleeping-pattern-all-messed-up kind of ill. It sucks big time, and it's really easy to feel isolated and demotivated when this happens. I'm really thankful for all my social network friends (that sounds lame, but seriously twitter & instagram & now Vine really cheer me up).

Part of these dealines, includes a 'development book', in which I put all the stuff I've been up to. Which means that I need to go through and actually edit all those photos of things that I diligently document and never publish (it's such a bad habit). Am I the only one that does this?

So here are some grungy edits of some Self-Striping Yarn that I created around Christmas. The colours aren't very acurate but I think they look nice as a set. Anyway, this is a little rambly now. But I just wanted to say 'hey' and that life is tough for me right now. I hope it's easier where you are. Sending hugs to everyone who is struggling & big kisses to everyone else.

Yeah- this yarn will be up in the shop once this dreaded deadline week is over.
-headdesk-
Love you, Kimxo 

A work in progress. The Lids Fall Slow. :: Stitching & Dyeing.

"Beneath her brows, the lids fall slow,

The lashes a clear shadow throw,

Where I would wish my lips to be."

-William Morris.

Here is something I've been working on recently. Ever since the Craftivists event, my mind has been itching to translate everything into embroidery. I have a feeling that I will be doing a lot more of it. It's lovely how an old hobby can be picked up again. This piece is particularly special/personal to me because it is stitched on some hand-dyed fabric, and the pattern is from a chair I own (most probably a Morris design) and the quote is wonderfully romantic and sweet and full of longing and just a hint of sadness (as if his lips will never be there). And, I always feel a strong connection to things that have to do with sleep/rest. I know that every flower had a very specific meaning in Victorian times- I wonder what this kind meant? (I would love to own a guide to Victorian floristry.)

Do you ever find that some things seem to have endless depth? Like a piece of art, or a book or certain song? You can read/listen/look at it many times and it keeps revealing more meaning to you? It may not mean anything to the next person, but to you it holds great magnitude?

I hope to one day inspire this feeling into someone with something that I've made. One day.Kimxo

Small Steps. :: Style & Ghostly Illness.

This is not really an outfit post- I mean, it is. It is me, in an outfit... but mainly this is to mark a little milestone. 

One of the things that gets me down the most about my illness is how I have to be awkward about transportation when I'm out with friends. I always have to ask too many questions and plan my day out the night before and always always have a back-up plan if I find myself unable to walk or carry on. In London, it's very easy to hop on a bus pretty much anywhere- but I find even the walks between bus stops to be too much for me sometimes. And most people don't understand that, you see. To most people walking 5 or 6 bus stops is no big deal, a 10 min fast-paced brisk walk. To me, walking 5 bus stops feels me with the most horrible dread. Like, casually climbing up Everest or running a marathon. It literally pains me when people say 'oh, it's just a five minute walk'... because I know- to me that means I'll be aching and fatigued and unable to enjoy whatever is waiting for us at the other end. I just... It's just a physical limit that really gets me. And the look on people's faces sometimes when I ask 'oh- could we just get a bus?'. If they have no idea- the looks I get are full of reproach as if to say 'How LAZY are YOU!'. It kills me a little bit inside. 
Most of the time to overcome this, I say to people that I will meet them there. My nearest and dearest friends know better and often offer to accompany me- which is the best. <3

But it's something that (I feel) can ruin the mood of an entire day if I let it. I've been keen to get better and sort this out- but it's not really that easy. There is something called 'Graded Exercise' which is basically building up what your body can take gradually over time. To most people what I'm about to say is going to sound really small and ridiculous- but it's pretty big for me, and I want to be honest so here we go...

I can now walk to the Co-Op and back.

The distance between the Co-Op and my house is approx 1.5 bus stops each way. That's a total of 3 bus stops. This time 2 years ago, if I needed milk, I would go to my corner shop which is about a 1/4 of a bus stop from my house.

That means that on an average day, when I'm working from home (and not doing any other major energy-sucking activity) I can walk a total of 3 bus stops and not be totally comatose for the rest of the day. BIG NEWS. :] Obviously I'm still tired afterward, and I need to have a lie down (like I would do with any other activity) but it's definite improvement.
So- yeah. YAY! For small steps. This is a picture of me on a pretty average work-from-home day. My big jumper was found on ebay- it's knitted and it's William Morris, and pretty perfect for the 'summer' weather we've been having here. haha.
Kimxo

p.s. Just to clarify- this means that over and above my usual amount of activity, I am able to do a bit more than I could 2 years ago. On good days I can be a tour guide for half a day and on bad days, even the thought of leaving the bed makes me feel sick. But on an average, run-of-the-mill day, this means I can treat myself to some Chocolate Milk! Which, y'know, is all any girl really wants. :] 

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An Art Journal of sorts. :: Drawing & Sketchbooks.

Sometimes I like to draw things on paper that isn't in a sketchbook. Sometimes I like to write down my feelings. Sometimes I just need to glue stuff to other stuff. Sometimes I get that urge to document. Sometimes I just need to remind myself of something.
I guess that's what I used to do with my art journals. I just used to do it a lot more often and perhaps with more cohesion? My art journals have taken a back seat (okay- more like locked away in a bag in the bottom of the boot where I never look), compared to Uni work and growing my knitting skills. But this year, I've kept a loose diary of sorts, along with my notebook that I carry around with me everywhere.
Here are some pages from March and April that I thought you might like..."The city moved and we were still. " "Poetically sad and beautiful" "I turned my phone off." "The wind made my hair dance and the boats kissed each other." "I need to tell this to my pages" (just in case you can't read my messy writing. haha)This 'journal' is a free place for me. It's a place that never gets judged. It never has to be 'beautiful' or 'perfect' or even nice looking. I don't have to be happy with the drawings/compositions I make. It is literally a place for thoughts and bits of paper. I tend to keep scraps/offcuts from projects, reciepts, bags, etc and I like putting them together and marking them with a date. It's a nice reminder of what I was doing at the time- and I love looking back at my old ones too. Hopefully one day my kids will too. Maybe they'll see that we all struggle and get frustrated and hate ourselves now and again- but that if we really think about it, we are lucky and there is a lot to be happy about.It is also incredibly helpful for dealing with CFS/M.E. Being able to write your frustrations down- to make something that can't be seen... tangible- (or just complain) to a piece of paper is such a gift. :] Kimxo

Good Moments. :: My Life. & Ghostly Illness.

Things are tough around here. Lots of days in bed. Lots of sleepless nights. A lot of leg pain. A lot of crazy nauseated cravings. And a bit too much feeling faint.
They are really piling the work on thick right now. Doing a BA (Hons) Degree is no laughing matter. A few of the ladies in my class that I really admire for their strength, kindness, goodness of heart and work ethic are crumbling under the pressure (like thinking about getting a form for a deferral!)- so it's no wonder that I completely lost it yesterday. Sickness is not a fun thing to live with. It just makes everything 10x harder. Like- you think it's hard, then something makes it harder.I like to keep things positive on here, but without missing out the imporant downs that make the ups feel so good. So- here's to making the most of those crappy days- getting the tears out and not giving up!

Some things which have been helping me a little bit: PRIORITISE. Sticky notes on the wall. Doing your best. Planning rests. Friends who make Veggie Curry for me. A fresh sketchbook. Fresh Pineapple. Knowing that you aren't going to get everything done perfectly. Spending time on my own to re-coup. And savouring those good moments.

Like (no matter how sore you are, or who you weren't patient enough with, or how greasy your hair is) when there is always a pair of knitting needles and a kitty cat waiting for you to come home to. <3Remember the good moments, Kimxo

A delicious lunch. :: Yummies & Ghostly Illness

One of my symptoms of CFS/M.E. is that I never quite know how food is going to react with my body. There are a few things that I can manage pretty much all the time, but they aren't the most healthiest. I've been trying to find things to snack on during the day that aren't bad for me and don't make me feel bad. When I'm working at home or having a rough day- it's often hard for me to eat anything at all, let alone 3 good big meals.
I've heard a lot that raw foods & eating little bits at a time, rather than a big meal is better for us ill folks, because it doesn't give us that lull that digestion can make. So not all your energy is being pumped into digesting food at one time. 
Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it doesn't- but I do find I feel better after a day of little nibbles rather than 3 meals. Especially around lunch time. If I eat a big lunch- I'm done for the day, there's no more energy left in me.
On one day last week, here is what I came up with:-A bowl of strawberries.
-Ritz crackers with pepperoni and soft cheese.
-Chunks of fresh white bread.
-Potato Salad.
-Breadsticks.
-Pesto.
-Glass of milk.

I had this beside my bed from like 11am to 3pm and just had a bit now and again whilst I was knitting/listening to a book on tape. I based this lunch heavily around bready and starchy and milky products because I know my tummy agrees with them. So although it's not an ideal meal for everyone, I thought I would share a little bit about my daily life that isn't wool related. haha. Another factor I have to think about is preperation time, as that costs precious energy too. This is pretty easy- the hardest part being making the little ritzwiches.

Gege on Craft as Therapy. :: Guest Post

Hello everyone (kim here). Today I've got a really special post for you. As most of you will know- I suffer with a chronic illness that debilitates me everyday of my life. Not only physically but it affects my emotions and mental functions. When I'm having a particularly tough day, I gravitate to repetitive activities that give my mind and body a chance to rest while still keeping me from going crazy with frustration at not being up to my usual shenanigans. 

Gege, here, has her own set of frustrations and has bravely and honestly and admirably written about how craft helps her though those times. This subject is very dear to my heart, and after doing a 3 month project (last year) on trying to motivate girls like us- hearing stories like this makes it all worth it. Enjoy.

- - - - - 
Well hello there friends of Kim. My name is Gege, and I live over at GegeBrownAgain. I write about pretty much everything that comes into my life, including my rather prevalent mental illness’ and my constant strive to keep on top of them.
I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for six years now, almost all of my adolescent and adult life, and have been constantly at battle with them, trying not to let them rule my life. Of course there have been times when I have absolutely failed, and times when I have absolutely triumphed. For the most part, I was convinced that treatment was only necessary when things got bad, but of late I have come to realise that taking that approach means only treating half of what is going on in my mind. 

And that is where crafts come in. While I do take medications, and see counsellors, and do all of the normal things that people do when faced with this sort of challenge, I am also trying to develop some personal therapies that I am able to use whenever I need them, independent of the timetables of psychologists and psychiatrists and doctors. I live in a small town, an hour and a half away from the city, which is where my doctors are. Which is why it is quite important that I am able to effectively treat myself. 

I have always been interested in craftiness, and, while I am generally terrible at things that require actual talent, I have found that just doing something with my hands really helps to bring things back into perspective. Although it took me a good long time to be able to knit at all, and then even longer to be able to knit properly, there is something very, very calming about being able to sit, by myself, and do something that will occupy my mind, without taking up so much attention that I allow myself to get frustrated. Having something to focus my attention on is critical. Something that is exterior to myself, which doesn’t have my feelings and frustrations all tangled up in it. As long as I follow the steps, insert my needle, bring the yarn around, under and off, then it will work for me.
Of course, the upside of taking up a new hobby is that it takes up time. It gives you something to do, and to think about even when you aren’t actually doing it. One of the major upsides I have found to knitting is that there is so very much to learn about, that, even when I finally master one part of it, there is always, always, something else to know. I don’t pretend that I am a very good knitter. I have only just learnt how to swap from one colour to another, and purl stitch is still beyond me.

I have found lately that my panic attacks, and periods of crippling depression are really starting to diminish, but I do not fool myself that I am getting better. After more than six years of this, I know that this period is just a lull in a much bigger, more powerful storm. If you visit my blog, you might notice that there is not much on there about depression and anxiety very often. I go through periods where I want to tell everyone about it, let people know who I really am, and then periods where I don’t want anyone to know, and curse myself for letting people see that I am not ‘normal’.  However, there is almost always a clue to my mental illness hidden in there, a little arrow pointing towards how I am feeling as I write the post. And that, above all is what my crafting is about.Through very long term study I have been able to recognise my moods through my behaviours. The words I use, the photographs I take, the colour of yarn that I use, all of it is indicative of my mood. Or the last couple of weeks I have been gravitating towards grey yarn for pretty much all of my projects. At first I thought it was because they were calming colours, not harsh to look at, incredibly comfortable. The last couple of days though have shown me that it is because my mood has been in decline. I was only able to see this by re-reading my posts, and comparing my words to what i have been making, what I have been doing around my house.

While I might not be using knitting to deal with explicit symptoms of my illness, panic attacks, or suicidal episodes, it is still helping me, everyday. I am now better able to go back to my psychologists and psychiatrists and doctors and tell them how I have been going. While previously a downturn in my mood would take me utterly by surprise when I was already at the bottom, I am now able to recognise, readjust and recover, in much shorter periods of time. Sure, there are still nights when nothing will do but to sit at my desk and sob until I can sob no more, but even then knitting comes in handy. Wool is much softer than tissues to wipe your eyes on.
I would hate for y’all to walk away with the wrong impression of me so I must finish on a happy note. There are many wonderful things about my life. I live in Australia, which everybody knows is the most amazing country in the world. I have a fantastic family, I live with the many of my dreams in a very nice (if somewhat small) town, and we have an absolutely gorgeous cat. I am very lucky. While sometimes I wish I could change everything about my life, in reality there isn’t one thing which I would actually change. While there is some bad in my life, there is a lot of good. A stable job. A nice home. A lot of beautiful, amazing people.

- - - - - - - -
I'm going to be adding 'A Ghostly Illness' to my sidebar soon, and I'm going to be more focused when I talk about CFS/ME and the troubles I face. It's a big part of my life so I reckon it's about time it became an official small part of this blog. Getting through the rough times means more enjoyment in the good times.
Big loves. Hope you're doing well!